Early morning hymns

Some things are just too good! God knows our wants. God knows our needs. He responds accordingly. He knows our hearts and what we mean. He knows that sometimes we ask for something with only half our heart. Sometimes He gives it to us anyway. Sometimes we're not ready. Sometimes we are ready but don't ask. And then sometimes, God pulls out an Ace and throws you for a loop. Those are the best moments.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus

and watch Him do a wondrous work.

Just to take Him at His word

and know He will come through in your desperation.

Just to rest upon His promise

and trust that He has not forgotten.

Just to know thus sayth the Lord

and the Word of the Lord is solid.

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him

I could never wish for anything more!

How I proved Him o'er and o'er

in spite of every doubt!

Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus

the sweetest name I'll every hear!

Oh, for Grace to trust Him more

and Oh for mercy to call His name!

I'm so glad I learned to trust Him

in spite of all my other whims!

precious Jesus, Saviour, Friend

Hope, Joy, Peace are all His!

And I know that He is with me

even when I feel alone.

Will be with me to the end!

Yesterday, I was feeling low and desperate. I was looking at the mess I had made with my life - and what a mess it was becoming! I was upset with myself for being so timid and uncommitted-like in my faith. I prayed that God would give me an opportunity for to talk about how I love - and you know what? - HE DID!!! When God answers a prayer, what can compare to that? Even though it's been 10 hours, and I barely remember the words of my plee, I still can shake the feeling of joy!

Am I still weary? Am I still searching for rest? Yes. But seeing God's faithfulness makes it so much easier to have peace!

My blue Bible has some of its first markings. I started in John - my favorite book. The first verses really show God's timing and God's plan. His steadfastness. In the beginning was the Word. He was light and darkness has not overcome it. The Word became flesh that we may know Him who was with God and whom God sent. God knew the moment, from the beginning. Jesus knew it too. He was there making everything. Everything exists through Him. He came into His creation to show us who He is. Not to tell us, but to show us. The Word became flesh and dwelt among us! Promise made, promise kept. Talk about a plan! Talk about timing! So sweet!!

Let us labor for the Master from the dawn to setting sun!

Let us talk of all His wondrous love and care!

And when all of life is over, and our work on earth is done,

and the role is called up yonder, I'll be there!

On the go...

My weary soul longs for more.

I feel like I don't know who I am.

I try to find rest, but it won't be found.

An obvious revelation

When you hear the Voice and you ignore it, eventually you'll learn it the hard way. When you hear the Voice and procrastinate, eventually you'll find yourself in desperation. When you hear the Voice and it's saying Mercy, you have no choice but to obey. If God could still love me after all my stupidity, I have no choice - no wish - but to obey.

He said it's time. Time to finally become everything I've been praying to become. I've been in desperate search of how to become a better woman of God, and low and behold the best way to do that is to actually try. Oh heaven forbid I have to put forth effort in this relationship! And not the kind of effort where you go to Church every Sunday, commit time to ministry, and read the Bible everyday - no, all that is too easy. I have to try from my deepest depths! When I think about how my relationship has been - I'm angry with myself. I'm angry that I have been so foolish!

But more still, I'm jealous. I've always felt certain things to be lacking in my relationship with God: life change. When you hear those beautiful testimonies of certain believers that bring you to tears, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is a God. Mine is not like that. I don't like to share it because it is not like that. I also don't like to share it because it makes me look like a terrible person at parts. But I no know that's the point. Maybe I'm not so different after all...

In committing the worst kind of sin, I deeply injured every friend I cared about. I tore apart relationships with everyone I truly loved, and when the secret came out, I was rightly abandoned. Only the Grace of God was able to heal those relationships, though they can never be what they were. I still resist trusting because I'm afraid I'll be betrayed. Though it's been 2 years, some wounds are still healing. It's hard to forgive others when you're still trying to forgive yourself. But in all that pain, God kept me strong. God gave me new relationships to help me while the old ones were healing. God showed me how to connect with Him. More than anything, God showed me forgiveness time and again. Each person I hurt forgave me in turn. Most of all, God forgave me! God helped me overcome the worst pit I've ever fallen into. God helped me overcome the temptation that led me to the cliff that I had fallen off of. God took something ugly and made it something beautiful. Unfortunately, I had to learn these lessons the hard way, but it's because I wouldn't listen. I was walking down a dangerous road to destruction. I heard God calling me to stop, and I flat out ignored Him. But praise and thanks be only to Jesus for allowing me to be restored.

I'm ashamed I ever let it get to the point it did, and so my story is hard to share. But if I don't share it, what a loss. As I seek to become the woman God is calling me to be, I pray that He would give me the courage to share my story and to look like a fool and a traitor, because that's what I feel like sometimes.

God's not calling me to be perfect; He's just calling.

On the go...

Without words on my lips

I was called a coward.

I ran from sunshine to shadow.

Trying not to go on but

terrified of going backward.