He said it's time. Time to finally become everything I've been praying to become. I've been in desperate search of how to become a better woman of God, and low and behold the best way to do that is to actually try. Oh heaven forbid I have to put forth effort in this relationship! And not the kind of effort where you go to Church every Sunday, commit time to ministry, and read the Bible everyday - no, all that is too easy. I have to try from my deepest depths! When I think about how my relationship has been - I'm angry with myself. I'm angry that I have been so foolish!
But more still, I'm jealous. I've always felt certain things to be lacking in my relationship with God: life change. When you hear those beautiful testimonies of certain believers that bring you to tears, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is a God. Mine is not like that. I don't like to share it because it is not like that. I also don't like to share it because it makes me look like a terrible person at parts. But I no know that's the point. Maybe I'm not so different after all...
In committing the worst kind of sin, I deeply injured every friend I cared about. I tore apart relationships with everyone I truly loved, and when the secret came out, I was rightly abandoned. Only the Grace of God was able to heal those relationships, though they can never be what they were. I still resist trusting because I'm afraid I'll be betrayed. Though it's been 2 years, some wounds are still healing. It's hard to forgive others when you're still trying to forgive yourself. But in all that pain, God kept me strong. God gave me new relationships to help me while the old ones were healing. God showed me how to connect with Him. More than anything, God showed me forgiveness time and again. Each person I hurt forgave me in turn. Most of all, God forgave me! God helped me overcome the worst pit I've ever fallen into. God helped me overcome the temptation that led me to the cliff that I had fallen off of. God took something ugly and made it something beautiful. Unfortunately, I had to learn these lessons the hard way, but it's because I wouldn't listen. I was walking down a dangerous road to destruction. I heard God calling me to stop, and I flat out ignored Him. But praise and thanks be only to Jesus for allowing me to be restored.
I'm ashamed I ever let it get to the point it did, and so my story is hard to share. But if I don't share it, what a loss. As I seek to become the woman God is calling me to be, I pray that He would give me the courage to share my story and to look like a fool and a traitor, because that's what I feel like sometimes.
God's not calling me to be perfect; He's just calling.
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