The Wall

No, I'm not talking about the wall I sometimes hit while reading scriptures. I was never a strong reader so sometimes I just stare at passages and wonder if it really was in English or if I just imagined it...

What I want to talk about is something I read about yesterday from a book by some guy who I don't know the name of. Anyway, the chapter was about The Wall the Christians must inevitably hit in their journey to Christ. At first I had a difficult time swallowing this concept...I still don't think it's digesting well. I get it. It seems sound, but to make it seem so hard and fast - like some sort of turning point in our Christian journeys...I don't know. All the same I wanted to share it and maybe make sense of it along the way.

So the idea is that somewhere between our initial response to doing our Faith instead of just having faith and the point where we begin to follow God with true humility there's this wall. It's like a season of intense trials where God is refining us with fire. Pruning us. It's all over scripture. John 15 is one I've looked at recently. God doesn't want us to stay immature so He presents us with these trials. We can either grow or stay the same. Either way, it passes. It's all about our response. The shallow Christian will just pretend everything is hunky-dory while inwardly they are questioning everything they ever believed. The immature Christian might walk away all together. The Christ-pursuer (I feel like this is a good phrase for it) will continue to remain faithful to Christ while being honest about where they are. I'm angry. I don't know where God is. Think of Job. However, the trick is to not go too far and start a little pity-party about how awful your life is. I'm really good at through pity-parties, so I'm speaking from experience. So after staying faithful and seeking God even if you don't hear from Him, you eventually learn to let go of all the things that were in the way.

For me it was many things, but most of all it was boys. I was soooooo immature back when I hit my first wall, that I easily forgot about God in order to think about getting into a relationship. Several bad decisions and months later, I was left with torn apart friend groups and a brokenness that just wouldn't quit. It sucked. And it kept on sucking for a loooonnngg time. I still can't put my finger on everything that changed about me as a result of that season. Most of all, God showed me that at the end of the day the only thing that will always be faithful and will always be there is Him. He poured soooo much love on me that I couldn't take it. He showed me my real friends and enabled me to form relationships that have lasted. The anger lasted a long time. God finally helped me forgive. I feel so much wiser and so much more secure in who I am.

Of course, that wasn't the end of it. Then I had to go and be an adult. I had so much pride in my abilities coming into Grad school and then coming into my first year of teaching. Oh my goodness, it was ridiculous. Well, it didn't take long for me to hit a wall in both experiences. This past year, I have been 100% dependent on God everyday for everything. I mean everything. Part of me never wants to leave that place because I know I tend to rely on myself too much.

Even thinking of the fact that I have had these types of wall-ish experiences causes me to be prideful. I dream of being a Spiritual leader for many. I want to be wise and a teacher of the Word. But I want it to be for God's glory. I want to be like Paul. I want to be a force to be reckoned with. The biggest problem is that the subject of all those sentences was I. I really don't matter so it shouldn't be about I at all. It's all about God. That's what I've learned from all of these experiences and that's exactly what a wall is supposed to teach you: at the end of the day only one thing remains. You can try and hold onto control or things or whatever it is, but God can and most likely will take it all away. If He's going to use you, He needs your whole heart.

So if He's taking things away, think of it as a sign that He's about to do something great. Of course, getting on God's path and being used for Him is probably more difficult than losing whatever we're holding onto. That's just my opinion.

Lord, help me to fade away. Let there be more of You. As my next year of teaching approaches, fill me with Your Spirit and Your Power in Jesus' name to be what I need to be. Let me go with humility and poverty of spirit. Let me go with wisdom. Let me never forget the valuable lessons You have taught me, but let me forget the hurt that others may have caused me. Fill my life with You and only You. More of You and less of me. Forever and always!


AMEN. AMEN. AMEN.