A year ago, I specifically remember the pangs in my heart as I thought about facing the next day, even the next moment. I was totally dependent on God, constantly thinking of Him and longing for Him. But now things are better, I still think of Him often, but it's not the same. Even a few months ago I was at least caught up in praise. But my relationship with God should not be dependent on my circumstances. Even though things are great in my life, I still need God everyday. Even though things suck, I still have reason to praise God everyday. Circumstances are too temporary to determine our relationship with God. If all you can see is what is going on now, you miss what could be happening soon or even what has happened. But we are to forget what lies behind, even 2 seconds ago, and press on toward what lies ahead. Because what we are running to is far more important that anything that we are doing now or ever have done.
So I ask Lord that You draw me back. I'm not far from You but I know my relationship with You is not one of total dependence, as it should be. I am ashamed of the small steps I've taken away. Please forgive me! Lord, how You still love me, I don't understand, but I give my life to You. Take me Lord! My heart is desperate for You! I love You so much! All the things that I fill my mind with and that I fill my heart with don't matter at all compared to knowing You. Everything I do and everything I have don't matter at all compared to knowing You. I would give up everything to know You more! My awesome teaching year, my friends, my family, my new place, my new car, my income, my ability to run, all of it You can take God because it is all Yours. Lord, I do not want to be dependent on what I have or don't have or what is or isn't happening in my life. I count it all as loss compared to the surpassing wonder in knowing Christ Jesus! Search my heart God and find me! Be my one desire!
Amen. Amen. Amen.
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