The Fear of the Lord

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

How to accept wisdom has always been a burning question in my life. How on earth am I supposed to lay hold of something so elusive? I realize now that I am not entirely foolish because much like the first verse I quoted says, loving the Lord is where wisdom starts. But how does it continue? Where do I go next? To the Word of course. Eating it up like a box of Cheez-its. I try to do that. And I do feel wiser. But I still long for more. I guess I'm hoping for too much wisdom. I want to be wise enough to have no doubts what the best path is for me or anyone that I am advising. I don't think I'm supposed to be that wise. I think that's God's job.

This doesn't mean I should stop hunting for wisdom. I'm hungry for more of You, Lord. I feel like I so easily slip off into whatever-land and lose sight of what I ought to be doing. I just went through what was mostly likely the toughest year of my life. I have never felt so much - I don't even know how to describe the feeling. It was torture. But it's over. I am a seasoned 2nd year teacher who hopefully will get her act together.

Which brings me to a more pressing issue - did I make the right decision signing up for a second year? I have felt nothing but anxiety about this question since, oh I don't know, January. Was I supposed to? I have had moments where I have been absolutely positive that you want me back there, but then I have moments of complete, overwhelming anxiety. I was suspicious that I was never supposed to take this job to begin with. Now I'm suspicious that a second year is a bad idea too. This is when I long for more wisdom than I have. But I believe I can discern pretty well, and I'm pretty sure that anxiety is never from the Lord. Ever. Ergo these feelings are not from God. Even when we make the "wrong" choice, it's not like God's going to let us live with regret and anxiety as we suffer the consequences. That's not really His style. If we make the "wrong" choice, he's still working for our good. Somehow, even if it is painful, He'll get us back on track. And we'll be stronger for it. As long as we keep trusting. I trust that I made the decision he called me to make. If I'm wrong - too late now. If I'm right - maybe that will make this year better. Right or wrong - God will be with me every step.

This gives me the confidence and strength to look forward to August without longing for 2013. I do not want to spend another year wishing my days away becuase I just want it to end. No. That is no way to live. God has called me to a life of Joy and Fullness. Though I never stopped feeling His Joy, I don't want to feel so stressed and tortured. Mostly I need to get over this self-pity thing.

His Joy is so rich. I was never without a desire to walk around with a stupid grin on my face because whatever was going on was either ironic or funny or I just couldn't help remembering how much the Lord loves me. Yes there were moments were I was livid with anger, but God's Joy is what calmed me. I may lack many of the spiritual fruits, but I have never been without Joy. Praise be to God.

Oh Lord Father! I ask this day that You fill me with wisdom and insight to see where You are moving and follow without doubt. I pray that my desire would not be for men or food or recognition but only for You. I pray that I would be busy with Kingdom Busy. I pray that I would not limit myself to whatever profession I hold, but that I would define myself as a laborer in Your vineyard: Preparing the way of the Lord. Let me speak with Your words and move with Your heart. I pray that I might fade away as You shine through. Let me never be without fear of You. Let my hope always be firm in You. Let me not fail even when I cannot see. Let my desire be for Your Kingdom. Let me heart feel as Yours does. Let good enough never be enough. No longer I but Christ who lives in me.


Amen. Amen. Amen.